David O'ConnellThe A-Team
June 4th 2010 05:19
On June 10 a catastrophic event will occur. The almighty crashing sound that will resonate across the globe will be that of a 100 million dollar lead balloon penetrating the earth’s surface with incalculable force to plummet towards our planet’s core where, hopefully, it will disappear forever.
It will signal the arrival of The A-Team (2010), the update of another rickety old television series nobody in their right mind asked for. Why can't we let the past remain in the past? Dredging up these lame old concepts only serves to strip them bare of their mildly pleasant, nostalgic associations. The wounds from this particular disaster may never heal.
You want a plot? A spark of originality? A speck of reality? You’ve come to the wrong place. Here, finally, is a movie catering to a very special group of individuals: those who consider frontal lobotomies an exotic form of cosmetic surgery.
Four tough guys are assembled, two of them – Col. ‘Hannibal’ Smith (Liam Neeson) and Lt. ‘Face’ Pack (Bradley Cooper) are old buddies. In a wild chase across Mexico they are soon joined by the fool-pitying B.A. Baracus (Quinton ‘Rampage’ Jackson) and a guy ripped from a psychiatric ward, Murdock (Sharlto Copley). Together they form a clandestine army unit who get shipped out on globe-trotting special missions.
Their latest operation – set 8 years after this opening Mexican set-piece which is interspersed with the interminable scrawl of opening credits – sees them on the trail of a set of printing plates that some bad guys have been using to generate trillions of phony American notes.
Everybody wants the plates. The four tough guys want the plates. A corrupt CIA guy (Patrick Wilson), a sexy female agent (Jessica Biel), a bunch of rogue agents attired in black - they all want the plates too. The four tough guys get framed for murder and theft of the plates. They get put in jail. They bust one another out. They try to set the record straight, but who knows who’s double-crossing who? And who the hell even cares? Cue predictable bursts of juvenile humour. Cue cartoonish violence amid CGI hailstorms. Cue lame romance angle injected as an afterthought.
The best advice I can offer: Take migraine tablets. Take earplugs.
Take a defibrillator.
You’ll require every form of armoury known to man to survive this assault on the senses. It’s loud, stupid, and toxic. In short, it’s a genuine leading contender for the worst film ever made.
Watch as the four tough guys plummet to earth in a parachute-laden army tank, furiously shooting to ‘drive’ it. Listen to B.A. Baracus proclaim his newly acquired moral code in prison, telling 'Hannibal' he can no longer kill another human, and quoting Gandhi as his source of inspiration.
Get conned into seeing this and you will weep regretful tears of blood for here is a film with a budget that might have removed the stain of poverty and starvation from at least thirteen African countries with the swipe of a credit card. Instead we're lumbered with a behemoth engineered for the express purpose of providing 'fun' for 12 year old boys.
Are the 'performances' even worth mentioning?
Liam Neeson, you've lost the plot. You have made the most inexplicable ‘creative’ decisions of your career in recent times. First Clash of the Titans - and now this?
Director Joe Carnahan, you ought to be hung, drawn and quartered for this monstrosity. It seems that after a sensational mainstream debut with Narc (2002) you decided to sell your soul to the highest bidder. Copley, ditto. Cooper? Seriously overrated to begin with, riding the crest of a wave known as The Hangover, or Most Overrated Comedy of All Time.
The A-Team is one of the most joyless experience you will ever have at the cinema. The worst part is that two minutes into its bloated 120 minute runtime, you can see the writing on the wall. Nostradamus you don’t have to be to envisage the inevitable torrent of putrid brown sludge about to be sent cascading down the pipe into every trembling lap. This is dire stuff; repetitive, brain-numbing, soulless garbage. What odds a sequel? Inevitable really.
Trailer here.
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Comment by Matt Shea
20/20 Filmsight
I hesitated to click the link because some friends and I are planning to go, just to relive old times ('old' doesn't necessarily equate to 'good'). Remember the ep where the team helped out a struggling taxi company take on an aggressive competitor - nice fellas (sigh).
Anyway, agree on Neeson - what is he up to? At least they got the casting of Face and Murdock dead-on, although it doesn't seem to have amounted to much in the end.
Great write-up - you deserve a relaxing weekend after that.
Comment by David O'Connell
Screen Fanatic
It's truly mind-numbing, there's no way around it - it contains not even a mili-second of reality or wit or invention.
You're right though, the four guys are actually really well chosen - perfect for the roles, it's just that the end result is something so unimaginably disastrous that it'll seriously suck the will to live right out of your body by the end of it. I'm not kidding, it's that bad.
Comment by Kwenton Bellette
Comment by David O'Connell
Screen Fanatic
Comment by Deni
Abstract Magick
Cinema Herald
Movies like this are the reason why I became a fan of Indie movies and foreign films.
These studio heads are so far removed from any insight into what audiences really like that it's embarrassing. They are greenlighting any old junk.
I love action movies but I HATE it when stunts defy logic and step beyond the boundaries of physics. It's insulting. I can stomach a little bit of tweaking but too much is disgraceful.
I'm all for you guys on "The Losers"
Comment by David O'Connell
Screen Fanatic
And no, thankfully I saw this at a media screening this morning so I didn't have to pay to see it. That eases the pain of butchering 2 hours of my life - but not much!
Comment by Sim1
Fish on Film
The Lives and Souls of Bella-Mae
Because you are the first person I have come across who agrees with me that The Hangover is a pile of shit.
I haven't seen The A-Team, so I can't comment. But I trust your review. Implicitly.
Sim1
Comment by Deni
Abstract Magick
Cinema Herald
It was a huge pile of "ca ca".
Comment by David O'Connell
Screen Fanatic
Comment by ShaunK
Screen Adventure
they seem to not know what the hell else to do that is better than current load crap being released these days.
I have a secret hope Dave, that somehow, by the end of 2012 , this shit will be out of the studio's systems and there will be no more subpar 80's crap, remakes and adaptations left for any to do anymore (unless they just go and reboot everything all over again). I don't know.
Pity about Carnahan, he had a really promising and brilliant debut with Narc, oh well.
As for the worst film ever, I dont see how it could have been much worse than Once A Gangster, I needed a hard drink after writing my review for it.
Any way Dave, beautifully written review, it's good to get things off your chest. I chose to stay away from this one.
Comment by quatro
Secret Writers Business
is this imaginary outed group of frontal lobotomy lovers unique in your vitriol or would you consider including all lobotomy lovers, frontal or otherwise. You can be a really inconsiderate individual when you have to sit though a few hours of what would have otherwise been a great entertainment, if not for the fact that it was shit.
I am distraught at your apathy, DAVID!!
love your work..
PS make me number three of those who think that the hangover is mediocre.......
Comment by David O'Connell
Screen Fanatic
Hollywood continues to hit new lows in their search for old ideas to dust off for a new generation. I think it's going to get worse before it gets better too.
Once a Gangster certainly sounds like stiff competition for The A-Team mate, let me know what you think if you ever get dragged off to this debacle for whatever bizarre reason!
LOL! Alex, thanks for reading mate,
Comment by Bryn
Horrorphile
I actually quite enjoyed The Hangover, but came to it quite late on DVD.
Comment by JohnDoe
Film & TV on DVD
An entertaining read that dispelled any notion that The A-team film could offer distraction.
Out of interest did you like Caranhan's Smokin' Aces or the Clive Owen starring Shoot Em Up? I only ask because both rank as guilty pleasures for me due to their consistency of tone, self awareness and energetic staging.
Comment by David O'Connell
Screen Fanatic
I loathed Shoot Em Up to be honest, but Carnahan's Smokin Aces had a certain madcap, kamikaze style about it that I didn't mind to some extent. I can definitely understand that being a guilty pleasure.
Comment by ShaunK
Screen Adventure
Comment by David O'Connell
Screen Fanatic
I may regret some of the things I said here.............history will most likely show that I was way too soft on this piece of crap!!
Comment by Deni
Abstract Magick
Cinema Herald
Had to share this partial review from Roger Ebert with you:
The plot: Wrongly framed for counterfeiting, the A-Team members, all Iraq veterans, bust out of various prisons and go after the engraving plates, which would be pretty much worn out while printing enough $100 bills to pay for the millions in property damage they cause in the process.
Bored out of my mind during this spectacle, I found my attention wandering to the subject of physics. “The A-Team” has an action scene that admirably demonstrates Newton's Third Law, which instructs us that for every action there is always an equal and opposite reaction.
The movie illustrates this as the heroes fall from an exploding airplane while inside an armored tank. As the tank hurtles to the ground (cf. Newton's Law of Gravity), the team leader, Hannibal Smith (Liam Neeson), looks out an opening and barks out commands for the tank's gun. I am paraphrasing: “Turn 45 degrees to the left! Fire! Twenty-five degrees to the right! Fire!” In this way, he is able to direct the fall of the tank and save their lives. This is very funny.
The action scenes also benefit from everyone having had a glance at the choreography beforehand. Consider a scene when a team member is confronted by a Talking Killer. This is, of course, a killer who only has to pull the trigger but pauses to sneer and boast. He and his target are standing in the middle of a jumble of dozens of freight shipping containers that have been spilled onto a dock. He talks just a little too long, and B.A Baracus (Quinton “Rampage” Jackson) comes roaring to the rescue through the air on his motorcycle and wipes him out.
I know there are Harley lovers among my devoted readers. Am I right in assuming that it is difficult to get enough speed for a good aerial jump while biking across a crooked heap of freight containers? I ask because, as I hinted above, no action in this movie necessarily has any relationship to the actions surrounding it.
This movie is getting pummeled by the critics! The rest of the review by Ebert is as entertaining as yours David. Good stuff!
Comment by David O'Connell
Screen Fanatic
I'll check out Ebert's full review. In fact it's going to be a lot of fun this week checking out all those reviews that rip into this film - if only to make sure I'm not in some weird universe of hatred that's all my own!!!
It really does deserve everything it gets. I'm just praying enough put stay away to avoid the possibility of a sequel, but I can't say I'm hopeful on that front! Thanks again Deni!
Comment by ShaunK
Screen Adventure
thought this might fuel your fire
Comment by Matt Shea
20/20 Filmsight
Comment by Deni
Abstract Magick
Cinema Herald
Comment by David O'Connell
Screen Fanatic
Ah man, Jesus wept.
It's my duty to say this, (teeth-clenched, mind you):
to.....each......his...............own!!!!!!.
Matt, it may be a wild guess here but I think you and your mates will be invoking the strait-jacket clause about half way in unless you allow yourselves to become extremely inebriated beforehand.
Extremely extremely.
Deni, take care, for the love of God, I'm sending in the paramedics right now.......................... ........I'll expect a full review once you've been revived from your inevitable coma.
Comment by Deni
Abstract Magick
Cinema Herald
I didn't crack ONE SMILE. I did like Sharlto Copley because he made a noble effort but unfortunately he wasted his energy on DEAD material.
Please call the paramedics! I only watched it because Jason seemed to have liked it so I thought I'd give it a shot. I wish I hadn't!
Comment by Bryn
Horrorphile
Comment by Deni
Abstract Magick
Cinema Herald